Struggling with my identity and who I am as a person has been a life long battle. Typically, I leach on to the first person that shows interest and has enough self-confidence for the both of us. I quickly become this other person losing any real sense of self. When I’m with someone else it is easy. I go with the flow and do what they do so I don’t have to make any real effort to figure out what I really want. This usually works for a while until the infatuation wears off, and I’m left with with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Of course, at this stage in the relationship, I don’t leave. I tell myself it’s not the relationship, it’s me and if I can just figure myself out then I will be happy. But trying to find yourself is hard enough when you are not consumed by someone else. Usually I self destruct until the other person no longer wants to be with me. But this time was different. Self destruction happened, but he didn’t leave.

For two years I denied to myself what I wanted out of fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of facing myself. I deceived myself into believing I was happy by denying what was right in front of me. Instead of listening to my intuition, I chastised any negative thoughts I had about the relationship and brushed them under the rug as a symptom of my mental illness.

It was at this point that I started therapy to fix myself so I could save my relationship. What I didn’t know was a year later I would have the strength to leave. When I met my ex-fiance I was weak. I needed someone to take care of me, to define me. Today, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I have a new found strength and love for myself that I have never felt before. I know that I am worthy even if I can’t always see it.

Standing up for myself and ending my engagement should have been the most difficult choice I have ever had to make. It was hard, but it was necessary. No matter how hard you try and how much you work on yourself, you can’t make yourself want something you don’t.

I didn’t have a breakdown after I ended the engagement. Not because I wasn’t upset but because I wouldn’t allow myself to. Not allowing yourself to feel doesn’t make the feeling go away. I know in order to heal and move on I am going to have to allow myself to experience the pain. It is only now that I am truly alone that I realize I have been running from myself. Constantly being in a relationship distracted me from the negative thoughts about myself and the feelings of emptiness. Now I’m forced to face them, to face me.

I look forward to the future with both fear and hope. Hope that one day I will grow to love myself in a way that will allow me to truly love another without needing them.

Today I feel empty and alone, but I know one day I will find peace.

Namaste.