Anxiety

Baby, I’m a Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream

“I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.”
The Postal Service

Typically, I am a very compassionate and loving person. Unfortunately, in my relationships this isn’t always the case. Just ask any guy I’ve ever dated and it’s quite possible he will describe me as a raging bitch. While it is completely normal to feel irritable from time to time, criticizing your boyfriend until he feels worthless is generally frowned upon. In an attempt to improve my behavior, I have given a lot of thought to why I tend to be overly critical to the people most special in my life.

What I have come to realize is that I am most critical when I am struggling to bring up something that is bothering me. Instead of asserting myself in a healthy way, I criticize the person for not giving me what I want. While not intentional, this is my fucked up way of trying to elicit some change and get what I want. Well, it turns out that people do not really like to be put down so instead I just push them farther away. This ends up creating a vicious cycle where the more I push you away the more I need you so the more I criticize. Clearly this is not an effective method for getting my needs met.

Ok, so now I know I do this, but why?

I have a few theories. For one, I find it extremely difficult to assert myself. It is also really difficult to ask for something if you aren’t entirely sure what it is you want in the first place. I’m not sure if anyone relates, but I don’t think in words. I know, that sounds really strange, but I’ll try to explain. Of course, there is a voice in my head that speaks to me in the English language, but when it comes to navigating my physical and emotional needs I sort of just feel. My intuition is my guiding light. When the fog of fear and anxiety settles in, it becomes extremely difficult for me to read these feelings. I am still able to sense that something is missing, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is. I try to navigate the fog, but I usually end up frustrated and confused. In a desperate attempt to fill the void, I start blaming those around me. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t do this. As far back as elementary school I remember making fun of the boy I liked. In third grade, this may have been age appropriate behavior, but at age 27, my boyfriend doesn’t enjoy it nearly as much.

Ok, so now I have an idea of why I do this, but what do I do instead?

I wish I had a mental flashlight to help me see through the fog. I don’t want to be critical. I don’t want to push the people I love the most so far away. I want to be the compassionate and loving person I know that I am. For now, I guess I will continue on my journey in search of my light.

 

Namaste.

Opening the Cage and Learning to Fly

Maybe part of my lacking identity is due to my unwillingness to make decisions for myself. I don’t know who I AM because I always let YOU decide for me. I think this began as a child growing up with strict parents, or a strict father to be more exact. As a teenager, I started to become someone my father disapproved of. He didn’t like the clothes I wore, the music I listed to or the gender of the person I chose to love. As I began to live a double life, the person I wanted to be and the person my father expected me to be, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions for myself.

As an adult, I have struggled to show my true self to anyone, including myself. By hiding behind a mask, my true self is protected from rejection. But she is also hidden from love and acceptance. I’ve locked myself in a cage in which I hold the key to set myself free. But the cage feels safe. What if what lies outside the cage is worse than the loneliness and despair that lies within? What if I never find a flock in which I belong? One thing is for sure, I won’t find my flock inside my cage.

I must fly with confidence that I will find where I belong, and not be discouraged by the flocks in which I am rejected. No one fits in everywhere, so I shouldn’t expect myself to either.

From the edge of my cage, I stare out at the bright, open sky of uncertainty.

“What if I fall? Oh but darling, what if you fly?”

Self-Compassion: Why I Stopped Trying to Fix Myself

compassion

Over the past few years I’ve been struggling with anxiety and emotional dysregulation issues coupled with periods of depression. I’m a “fixer” so like I do with all things in life I’ve been on a mission to “fix” myself. First I tried therapy. It’s helping. But it hasn’t fixed me. So I’m still searching.

Two months ago I went to a psychiatrist. I was skeptical about taking medication, but thought it couldn’t hurt to try. After about four weeks, the change was significant. I can honestly say I didn’t even realize how anxious and depressed I really was until I started to feel better. My entire life I’ve felt pissed off and on edge. Suddenly this feeling was gone and I was smiling for no reason! I began to see the good in life and the people around me.

Finally! I found the solution to all of my problems! So I thought.

Just as quickly as it had come, the happiness began to fade away leaving behind familiar feelings of irritability, shame and self-doubt. I was naive to think that I had found some wonder drug that was going to make me happy for the rest of my life. I honestly thought I was just lucky and had finally found something that worked really well for me. But it doesn’t seem to be going the way I had anticipated.

It’s difficult to come to the realization that there is no “fix” and these issues will always persist in one way or another. I’m beginning to understand that if I continue to fight and resist my mental illness, I’m going to foster a deeper sense of dissatisfaction for myself. In order to move forward and find peace, I have to stop trying to  “fix” myself and start accepting the parts of myself that I do not like.

Depression and anxiety are a part of me. They have shaped my personality and perception of the world in many ways. Without them, I might not have the same appreciation for life, love and compassion. Learning why I do the things that I do is my greatest passion in life, and I know this wouldn’t be so if it wasn’t for the darkness inside me. I am more compassionate towards others because I understand what it means to struggle with something difficult. I have gained insight into how critical compassion is for humanity. It is only now that I am beginning to learn that compassion has to start with myself.

Starting today I’m going to show myself compassion the way I would a friend because I owe that to myself.  I am going to embrace my darkness, and see it for what it really is, an opportunity for personal transformation and unimaginable growth. Starting today I choose to love me, all of me.

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Kristin Neff and Brene Brown are the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, vulnerability and shame.

Namaste.