inspiration

Poem: Places Unknown

Melodies and haunting lullabies
Got me thinking about all the lies
Like why are we all just sent here to die?
Billions of lost souls floating through space and time

Fate or chance, you decide
You’ve got free will so use your mind
It’s up to you to wake up or stay blind
But don’t regret what you leave behind

Life has no meaning unless you live
If you want to make a difference take less and give
Be more positive and less negative
Learn to show love and how to forgive

Although the world can sometimes be dark
Always remember there’s love in your heart
Share it with others and do your part
To be more present and less apart

Look for the good and not the bad to help you prepare
To see what a person truly has to offer and share
So please think twice before you judge and stare
This includes the compulsive need to compare

Replace fear and judgment with curiosity
Choose to experience life and embrace novelty
Prepare yourself for boundless possibilities
Let go of false expectations and allow yourself to be free

We are all made of the same dust and stars
But always stay true to the uniqueness of who you are
Never be ashamed to show your scars
They tell the story of your journey so far

Remember that no life is a waste
Imperfections are perfect in their own little way
Everyone deserves to find their happy place
Even if it’s only a temporary escape

The entire universe can feel like one giant illusion.
No matter how much you learn you will continue confusing
theories proven and others disputed.
How does one ever reach a conclusion?

Despite thrill seeking and soul searching, there is no escape from your last and final fate
I hope you met someone with whom you could relate and truly believed that you were great
Never forget that you meant the world to someone
Where you go from here remains unanswered for everyone.

Opening the Cage and Learning to Fly

Maybe part of my lacking identity is due to my unwillingness to make decisions for myself. I don’t know who I AM because I always let YOU decide for me. I think this began as a child growing up with strict parents, or a strict father to be more exact. As a teenager, I started to become someone my father disapproved of. He didn’t like the clothes I wore, the music I listed to or the gender of the person I chose to love. As I began to live a double life, the person I wanted to be and the person my father expected me to be, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions for myself.

As an adult, I have struggled to show my true self to anyone, including myself. By hiding behind a mask, my true self is protected from rejection. But she is also hidden from love and acceptance. I’ve locked myself in a cage in which I hold the key to set myself free. But the cage feels safe. What if what lies outside the cage is worse than the loneliness and despair that lies within? What if I never find a flock in which I belong? One thing is for sure, I won’t find my flock inside my cage.

I must fly with confidence that I will find where I belong, and not be discouraged by the flocks in which I am rejected. No one fits in everywhere, so I shouldn’t expect myself to either.

From the edge of my cage, I stare out at the bright, open sky of uncertainty.

“What if I fall? Oh but darling, what if you fly?”

Taking Off the Mask and Letting Go

MASK

Struggling with my identity and who I am as a person has been a life long battle. Typically, I leach on to the first person that shows interest and has enough self-confidence for the both of us. I quickly become this other person losing any real sense of self. When I’m with someone else it is easy. I go with the flow and do what they do so I don’t have to make any real effort to figure out what I really want. This usually works for a while until the infatuation wears off, and I’m left with with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Of course, at this stage in the relationship, I don’t leave. I tell myself it’s not the relationship, it’s me and if I can just figure myself out then I will be happy. But trying to find yourself is hard enough when you are not consumed by someone else. Usually I self destruct until the other person no longer wants to be with me. But this time was different. Self destruction happened, but he didn’t leave.

For two years I denied to myself what I wanted out of fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of facing myself. I deceived myself into believing I was happy by denying what was right in front of me. Instead of listening to my intuition, I chastised any negative thoughts I had about the relationship and brushed them under the rug as a symptom of my mental illness.

It was at this point that I started therapy to fix myself so I could save my relationship. What I didn’t know was a year later I would have the strength to leave. When I met my ex-fiance I was weak. I needed someone to take care of me, to define me. Today, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I have a new found strength and love for myself that I have never felt before. I know that I am worthy even if I can’t always see it.

Standing up for myself and ending my engagement should have been the most difficult choice I have ever had to make. It was hard, but it was necessary. No matter how hard you try and how much you work on yourself, you can’t make yourself want something you don’t.

I didn’t have a breakdown after I ended the engagement. Not because I wasn’t upset but because I wouldn’t allow myself to. Not allowing yourself to feel doesn’t make the feeling go away. I know in order to heal and move on I am going to have to allow myself to experience the pain. It is only now that I am truly alone that I realize I have been running from myself. Constantly being in a relationship distracted me from the negative thoughts about myself and the feelings of emptiness. Now I’m forced to face them, to face me.

I look forward to the future with both fear and hope. Hope that one day I will grow to love myself in a way that will allow me to truly love another without needing them.

Today I feel empty and alone, but I know one day I will find peace.

Namaste.

Speck in Time

clock

I watched the documentary Happy the other day.  It got me thinking about how many people believe in life after death because our life would have no meaning otherwise.  It saddens me that so many people miss that life is our purpose.  Life is meaning.  The very fact that I am alive at this present moment is a miracle.  I could have been anyone or lived anywhere during any time period.  I could be a star or a planet or an ant.  But I’m not.  I’m me and I’m here. Now. That is what is beautiful.  We don’t decide our fate in life, but we decide (more…)