Personal Transformation

Baby, I’m a Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream

“I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.”
The Postal Service

Typically, I am a very compassionate and loving person. Unfortunately, in my relationships this isn’t always the case. Just ask any guy I’ve ever dated and it’s quite possible he will describe me as a raging bitch. While it is completely normal to feel irritable from time to time, criticizing your boyfriend until he feels worthless is generally frowned upon. In an attempt to improve my behavior, I have given a lot of thought to why I tend to be overly critical to the people most special in my life.

What I have come to realize is that I am most critical when I am struggling to bring up something that is bothering me. Instead of asserting myself in a healthy way, I criticize the person for not giving me what I want. While not intentional, this is my fucked up way of trying to elicit some change and get what I want. Well, it turns out that people do not really like to be put down so instead I just push them farther away. This ends up creating a vicious cycle where the more I push you away the more I need you so the more I criticize. Clearly this is not an effective method for getting my needs met.

Ok, so now I know I do this, but why?

I have a few theories. For one, I find it extremely difficult to assert myself. It is also really difficult to ask for something if you aren’t entirely sure what it is you want in the first place. I’m not sure if anyone relates, but I don’t think in words. I know, that sounds really strange, but I’ll try to explain. Of course, there is a voice in my head that speaks to me in the English language, but when it comes to navigating my physical and emotional needs I sort of just feel. My intuition is my guiding light. When the fog of fear and anxiety settles in, it becomes extremely difficult for me to read these feelings. I am still able to sense that something is missing, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is. I try to navigate the fog, but I usually end up frustrated and confused. In a desperate attempt to fill the void, I start blaming those around me. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t do this. As far back as elementary school I remember making fun of the boy I liked. In third grade, this may have been age appropriate behavior, but at age 27, my boyfriend doesn’t enjoy it nearly as much.

Ok, so now I have an idea of why I do this, but what do I do instead?

I wish I had a mental flashlight to help me see through the fog. I don’t want to be critical. I don’t want to push the people I love the most so far away. I want to be the compassionate and loving person I know that I am. For now, I guess I will continue on my journey in search of my light.

 

Namaste.

Opening the Cage and Learning to Fly

Maybe part of my lacking identity is due to my unwillingness to make decisions for myself. I don’t know who I AM because I always let YOU decide for me. I think this began as a child growing up with strict parents, or a strict father to be more exact. As a teenager, I started to become someone my father disapproved of. He didn’t like the clothes I wore, the music I listed to or the gender of the person I chose to love. As I began to live a double life, the person I wanted to be and the person my father expected me to be, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions for myself.

As an adult, I have struggled to show my true self to anyone, including myself. By hiding behind a mask, my true self is protected from rejection. But she is also hidden from love and acceptance. I’ve locked myself in a cage in which I hold the key to set myself free. But the cage feels safe. What if what lies outside the cage is worse than the loneliness and despair that lies within? What if I never find a flock in which I belong? One thing is for sure, I won’t find my flock inside my cage.

I must fly with confidence that I will find where I belong, and not be discouraged by the flocks in which I am rejected. No one fits in everywhere, so I shouldn’t expect myself to either.

From the edge of my cage, I stare out at the bright, open sky of uncertainty.

“What if I fall? Oh but darling, what if you fly?”

Arguing Back with Your Inner Critic

innercritic

Today I want to talk about our inner critics. This voice in our head narrates our entire life telling us how amazing we are or berating us telling us how we’re a piece of shit.  Without even realizing it, you may falsely believe the inner critic to be yourself.

I’m here to tell you that you are not your inner critic, and with a little mindfulness and practice, you can break free from these constant self-judgments. You may not be able to get the inner critic to shut her god damn mouth, but at least you will be able to (more…)