psychology

Bonnie and Clyde: What Makes a “Bad” Boy so Desirable?

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Since summer 2014, I attended group therapy every Thursday evening. The weekly check-ins provided me a safe place to vent on a regular basis without having to call up my friends in the middle of the night when shit hit the fan. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I decided it was time to move on from my weekly sessions and entrust myself to handle things on my own in the “real world.” Just two weeks post group therapy, and I am already involved in the type of shenanigans that can only be shared during a confidential group session or over wine with the bestie. Somehow, I find myself juggling two guys, one of which is great for me – which makes him less interesting and desirable, and the other who is so incredibly wrong for me that I am drawn to him like a magnet to metal. Just months out of an engagement with Mr. Wrong, I have myself thinking, “What is it I find so desirable about these so-called ‘bad’ boys?”

I believe the answer stems way back into my childhood when I was first identified as the “good” kid. Unlucky for my younger brother, “bad” kid was the only label left by the time he came around. Growing up as little Miss Goody Two-Shoes wasn’t all that bad. I mean, I got away with A LOT just by passing the blame to my poor innocent brother. I mean seriously, my parents found a pack of PINK cigarettes in MY closet, and believed me when I said they were my brothers because I would never smoke cigarettes. *insert smirking face emoji* While I may have taken advantage of my brother on numerous occasions, I was envious of him despite the trouble and chaos that followed him around. At least he gets to be himself. To this day, I envy his “I don’t give a shit” attitude.

Obviously, no person can be all good or all bad (more…)

Self-Compassion: Why I Stopped Trying to Fix Myself

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Over the past few years I’ve been struggling with anxiety and emotional dysregulation issues coupled with periods of depression. I’m a “fixer” so like I do with all things in life I’ve been on a mission to “fix” myself. First I tried therapy. It’s helping. But it hasn’t fixed me. So I’m still searching.

Two months ago I went to a psychiatrist. I was skeptical about taking medication, but thought it couldn’t hurt to try. After about four weeks, the change was significant. I can honestly say I didn’t even realize how anxious and depressed I really was until I started to feel better. My entire life I’ve felt pissed off and on edge. Suddenly this feeling was gone and I was smiling for no reason! I began to see the good in life and the people around me.

Finally! I found the solution to all of my problems! So I thought.

Just as quickly as it had come, the happiness began to fade away leaving behind familiar feelings of irritability, shame and self-doubt. I was naive to think that I had found some wonder drug that was going to make me happy for the rest of my life. I honestly thought I was just lucky and had finally found something that worked really well for me. But it doesn’t seem to be going the way I had anticipated.

It’s difficult to come to the realization that there is no “fix” and these issues will always persist in one way or another. I’m beginning to understand that if I continue to fight and resist my mental illness, I’m going to foster a deeper sense of dissatisfaction for myself. In order to move forward and find peace, I have to stop trying to  “fix” myself and start accepting the parts of myself that I do not like.

Depression and anxiety are a part of me. They have shaped my personality and perception of the world in many ways. Without them, I might not have the same appreciation for life, love and compassion. Learning why I do the things that I do is my greatest passion in life, and I know this wouldn’t be so if it wasn’t for the darkness inside me. I am more compassionate towards others because I understand what it means to struggle with something difficult. I have gained insight into how critical compassion is for humanity. It is only now that I am beginning to learn that compassion has to start with myself.

Starting today I’m going to show myself compassion the way I would a friend because I owe that to myself.  I am going to embrace my darkness, and see it for what it really is, an opportunity for personal transformation and unimaginable growth. Starting today I choose to love me, all of me.

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Kristin Neff and Brene Brown are the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, vulnerability and shame.

Namaste.

Arguing Back with Your Inner Critic

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Today I want to talk about our inner critics. This voice in our head narrates our entire life telling us how amazing we are or berating us telling us how we’re a piece of shit.  Without even realizing it, you may falsely believe the inner critic to be yourself.

I’m here to tell you that you are not your inner critic, and with a little mindfulness and practice, you can break free from these constant self-judgments. You may not be able to get the inner critic to shut her god damn mouth, but at least you will be able to (more…)