Over the past few years I’ve been struggling with anxiety and emotional dysregulation issues coupled with periods of depression. I’m a “fixer” so like I do with all things in life I’ve been on a mission to “fix” myself. First I tried therapy. It’s helping. But it hasn’t fixed me. So I’m still searching.

Two months ago I went to a psychiatrist. I was skeptical about taking medication, but thought it couldn’t hurt to try. After about four weeks, the change was significant. I can honestly say I didn’t even realize how anxious and depressed I really was until I started to feel better. My entire life I’ve felt pissed off and on edge. Suddenly this feeling was gone and I was smiling for no reason! I began to see the good in life and the people around me.

Finally! I found the solution to all of my problems! So I thought.

Just as quickly as it had come, the happiness began to fade away leaving behind familiar feelings of irritability, shame and self-doubt. I was naive to think that I had found some wonder drug that was going to make me happy for the rest of my life. I honestly thought I was just lucky and had finally found something that worked really well for me. But it doesn’t seem to be going the way I had anticipated.

It’s difficult to come to the realization that there is no “fix” and these issues will always persist in one way or another. I’m beginning to understand that if I continue to fight and resist my mental illness, I’m going to foster a deeper sense of dissatisfaction for myself. In order to move forward and find peace, I have to stop trying to  “fix” myself and start accepting the parts of myself that I do not like.

Depression and anxiety are a part of me. They have shaped my personality and perception of the world in many ways. Without them, I might not have the same appreciation for life, love and compassion. Learning why I do the things that I do is my greatest passion in life, and I know this wouldn’t be so if it wasn’t for the darkness inside me. I am more compassionate towards others because I understand what it means to struggle with something difficult. I have gained insight into how critical compassion is for humanity. It is only now that I am beginning to learn that compassion has to start with myself.

Starting today I’m going to show myself compassion the way I would a friend because I owe that to myself.  I am going to embrace my darkness, and see it for what it really is, an opportunity for personal transformation and unimaginable growth. Starting today I choose to love me, all of me.

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Kristin Neff and Brene Brown are the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, vulnerability and shame.

Namaste.